My Watch Hates Me


My Watch Hates Me

With a fond memory of moving every CD I owned to an iPod, ditching the heavy laptop for tablets, or watching the joy of bar trivia disappear to the immediacy of smart phones and Google, I wondered what lies in store for Apple Watches? What changes might they bring? What opportunities or products might appear as a result of the Apple Watch. In a few days of use, I learned there’s a world of opportunity this device will open up and I learned, it hates.

 6:16 am

My watch had a preset activity goal set for me. 400 calories, stand up 12 times in 12 hours, exercise for 30 minutes. At this point I was more curious about coffee. Sure this is the first day I’m wearing it, but I’d love it to acknowledge my need for a fresh cup of coffee by simply answering an alert triggered by my heart rate and time of day, or manually opening an app in gestures and touching a button that says something clever like “brew.” Something to consider in conjunction with a WeMo app (Mr. Coffee Smart Wifi-Enabled WeMo 10-Cup Optimal Brew Coffeemaker). But does the Apple Watch care? No. Make your own damn coffee it says.

While shaving it was nice to listen to some music. I controlled what was playing using the watch, and my phone connected to my alarm clock in the other room. Barring the few reminders of how embarrassing my musical tastes can be, it was great to quickly get to a tune, turn it up, and work on “Standing”.

6:45 am

Breakfast. It would be helpful to have suggestions for breakfast that keep me healthier but also stick with what’s in my cupboard. In lieu of this, I opened Yummly, asked it for “breakfast with eggs” and it found me “Egg, White Tomato & Avocado.” Not bad. Apple watch only cares about physical activity. Eat whatever you want it says. Luckily Yummly loves me.

While eating said butchered meal, Watch told me I have a meeting with my accountant later this morning. Clearly it hates.

 7:15 am

I’m in my driveway. I glanced my Savant app, touched a preprogrammed button to turn my home off and it worked. That was pretty damn cool. Simple to the point, done. Watch didn’t much care for the security of my home as it didn’t realize it was outside or suggest I arm the home. Damn watch.

I set the directions to my meeting using Watch. I wouldn’t have taken this particular path but I eventually arrive (Watch appreciates traffic and scenery). Watch gently taps my wrist to let me know I’m here.

9:08 am

I’m told “Time To Stand!” My accountant is a 50+ year old woman who is very kind and is deep in a description of how I can save on taxes. Watch wants me to stand. “Time to embarrass him,” it thinks. I’m looking at Watch and my accountant knows I’m nervous. I stand up. She asks if I have to leave. I told her no, it’s simply time to stand. To her credit she kept on going without batting an eyelash. Accountant 1 – Apple Watch 1 – Me 0. Random standing is not the norm yet and I wonder if others will buck social norms enough to make this random wac-a-mole activity the norm. Perhaps they’ll be smarter and more subtle.

1:30 pm

After a few hours at work, a few pot shots from inquisitive Android developers and another “suggestion” to stand, I realize this is becoming a pain. Stand Desk and other standing desk manufacturers have controls that allow you to change the height of your desk. If Watch cared so much for my well-being, it would automatically raise the desk and not nag me to stand. StandDesk, that’s a hint.

3:00 pm

Watch gave me a reward for walking a certain amount of time. It wasn’t very far. The watch is mocking me. The simplicity of seeing my caloric achievements and standing goals as they tower over my exercise goals is giving me a clear picture Watch. I get it. No matter how much calories I burn or how much I stand, I’m nothing without exercise. I’m onto your subtle barbs.

5:31 pm

My wife called me and I answered on my watch. Watch thought the world should hear this conversation as it was going to be good. So the watch played our conversation out loud for all to hear. My natural instinct was to whisper and bring the watch closer to my mouth as I shield it with my other hand. Watch is cruel and continued to play our conversation for the world, loudly. Phone laughed from my pocket.

7:38 pm

Progress Update: You still suck. My watch gave me a gentle tap and showed my progress update. Watch reinforces how little I move throughout the day. At this point I’m experiencing something on the order of a Tell Tale Heart reaction. Nobody understands, but I do. And Watch does.

If Watch truly cared, perhaps it would use my heart rate to help me understand what healthy is. I’m clearly in need of exercise, can Watch talk with someone at theAmerican Heart Association to give simple/useful goals that are specific to my activity profile? Then teach me about them throughout the day?

11:49 pm

Before taking watch off, I use it to put my home to sleep with Savant and think. In spite of Watch’s clear disdain for me, this device is amazing. It weans you off of the addiction of having a phone in your hand perpetually, and replaces it with something that’s natural and on your wrist. It’s not a one-for-one and my phone is still indispensible. The Apple Watch will open opportunities for a connected home (this may be even more amazing with Home Kit). This device is personal. More so than a smartphone. And while it’s application around my home and office can be amazing, if Watch has its way, perhaps I’ll actually do something interesting for myself. Get up and get moving.

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